Airport security: A Paradigm Shift

Airport security has been beefed up considerably since the “shoe bomber” in 2001 and the “underwear bomber” in 2009. Most recently, metal detectors have been replaced by full body x-ray machines.  Manual inspections are often required that extend to touching of the buttocks and genitalia.  Many Americans think that TSA has gone too far.  Serious charges are being made that in the name of security, the government has legalized sexual assault at our airports.  Reputable scientists worry that the small risk of cancer from repeated x-rays may exceed the risks from the terrorists from whom we are trying to protect ourselves.  A protest movement has started on-line and in the press.   Our Congressman and women, always at the forefront of change, are determining how best to take advantage of this new populist revolution.  Osama Bin Laden is laughing his head off in a cave somewhere, as America liberties are reduced in the name of freedom from terrorism.

America, we can do better.  Let’s put on our thinking caps.  We can use this security threat to completely overhaul our airport security systems.  We could put hard working Americans to work and make airport security fun.  Here’s what I propose:

(1) We hire qualified masseuses and masseurs to do airport security checks. They will be trained both to detect dangerous materials and to make passengers relax during physical inspections of intimate body parts.

(2)  We allow customers to choose during online check-in what type of masseuse or masseur he/she would prefer.  For example, many men would prefer that women conduct the physical inspections of their intimate body parts rather than someone who looks or acts like Attila the Hun.  Some women may prefer that men conduct the examinations.  Arrangements could be made for masseuses and masseurs based on sexual preference. Sweet grandmothers could be hired to inspect children.

(3) TSA staff, now mostly masseuses and masseurs, would be paid and promoted based on feedback from customers.  Evaluation forms would be available after each inspection. The best TSA staff would become famous with nicknames such as “Sensual Suzy” and “Erotic Eddy” replacing the insulting names now used such as “Senior TSA groper.”

(4) Over a short period of months, dangerous x-ray machines will be placed aside to allow more space for the much preferred personal physical examination by tender TSA agents.  The job satisfaction of TSA agents will soar.  On the economic side, Americans will want to fly again and tourists will flock to our country to experience America’s new security system. 

America is famous worldwide for unrestrained gratification.  Let’s use this quality to make the nation safer AND happier. Write to your Congressman or woman today and urge these changes to our airport security.